Akatsuki guidelines
by xXSakura-Hime-SamaXx
Summary: What you need to know to survive in the Akatsuki: Please use wisely.


**Akatsuki guidelines**

What you need to know to survive in the Akatsuki: Please use wisely.

* * *

**1. You do not join the Akatsuki unless asked.**

"No."

**2. Always have a plan.**

"We shall give you Sasuke Uchiha's location in exchange for unlimited use of your best medic."

"No."

**3. Always have a backup plan.**

"And we'll give you our full co-operation in luring him in."

"No deal."

**4. If back up plan fails- move to plan C.**

"I gave you a chance." The orange haired figure announced, turning his gaze from the irritated Tsunade and looking towards one of the windows before giving a slight nod.

And then he was gone.

**5. Blond haired females are not your friends.**

"I'm not telling you where Sakura-chan is, are you stupid?!" Ino announced, gazing at the blue haired woman in front of her with distain. "Why are you looking for her anyway?"

**6. Always keep a straight face (image is important).**

"Raise" The masked man called, watching as another of the group surrounding the table folded out.

"Is it even legal to wear a mask in here?" he heard one of the observers whisper to another, only to be silenced hastily.

No one questioned the Akatsuki.

**7. Never drink on a mission.**

"Another!" Tsunade called, looking over her hand again with a grin.

"B-But…I think you've had enough for now…" Shizune trailed off, only to receive a harsh glare from her master. "O-okay…"

**8. Never bet more than $100.**

"Raise" he called again, his orange mask glinting in the dim light as he glanced at Tsunade, who was steadily working her way through the bar's Sake supply. "How about we make this a little more…interesting?"

Looking up from her bottle, Tsunade glanced at her hand again and gave a confident smirk.

"I'm listening."

**9. Except against Tsunade.**

"WHAT!" the pinkette shrieked, gazing at her master in disbelief.

"I'm sorry Sakura; I thought I was going to win…"

**10. Cloaks should be worn at all times.**

"Just put it on" Kisame growled out, his eye twitching as the she ignored him once again.

"Kunoichi, if you do not put the cloak on, I'll be forced to do it for you." Sakura turned her eyes to the raven haired man sitting across from her as he continued to eat his dango calmly.

'_What has Tsunade gotten me into?'  
_

**11. Do not anger the pink haired medic.**

**BOOOM**

"AND STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!"

**12. Ever.**

**CRAACK!**

Looking up at the ceiling with an exasperated glint in his ringed eyes, Pein noticed the slight shake the base gave as another hit sounded from down the hall.

She was defiantly the slug sannin's apprentice.

**13. Do not underestimate genin.**

"**SSSSAAAKURAAAA-CCHHHHHAAAANNNNNN!"** echoed throughout Konoha in the early hours of the morning, waking the few who hadn't adapted to the chaos that always surrounded the village.

"Damn it…" Tsunade muttered as she slumped forward over her desk…

'_This is going to be a long day.'  
_

**14. Do not touch Itachi's dango.**

Turning from the fridge with her prize hanging from her lips, Sakura was stopped short by a cloaked chest appearing in her line of vision…

It wasn't until after he left the room that she moved again…

Or noticed one of the dango previously hanging from her mouth had disappeared.

**15. Tobi's mask is not a lollipop: Punishment will be issued to all those who insist otherwise.**

"I don't understand though, you mean I can't say his mask looks like a-"

"Just….don't" Konan said to her younger counterpart, her eyes drifting to the mask wearing form that was currently peaking at them from around the corner. "No one understands it."

**16. No strangers are to be brought into the base, regardless of how friendly they may seem.**

"And THEN they drag me all the way to the borders of sound! I mean, I understand that 'leader' wants me to switch between teams to make sure they stay alive…but it's so-"

**THWACK**

Watching her companion slump to the ground with a kunai imbedded in his head, Sakura slowly turned her emerald eyes to the bi-coloured man half leaning out of the wall in front of her.

"WHAT-" she began, only to be cut of as he gave her a solemn look.

"**Assassin from sound**, you were next on his list." All she could do was watch with a stunned expression as he began to merge back with the stone wall.

"T-thank you…"

**17. Cooking is a team effort.**

"Deidara, I don't care if it'll cook faster, no clay in the oven!"

"What gives you the right to tell me what I can and cannot put in the oven, yeah?!"

"Six years of being on a team with two idiots who can't even make coffee without breaking something, that's what."

"…"

**18. Jashin is the only god!**

"That's right bitches! Deal with it!"

"I really don't want to hear this…."

"Shut it Girly, you should feel honoured to be in the presence of a Jashinist!"

**19. Disregard above note: orders from Pein.**

"Get out of my office."

"…"

"Now."

**20. No playing with knifes.**

Looking dully at the tan arm being held out in front of her, Sakura didn't utter a word as she began pulling the kunai out and healing the wounds. Looking at the lines of stitches running around his arm, Sakura gently reached a hand out and ran her fingers over them, tilting her head slightly as the masked nin gave a slight twitch.

"Sorry" she muttered before pulling her hand back and busying herself with tidying up.

He only gave her a nod and left.

**21. All appendages are to be kept to yourself unless absolutely necessary.**

"Deidara, don't you dare!"

"Come on, you know you want too~" he leered, leaning closed to the disturbed pinkette.

"I'm _not_ kissing your hand!"

**22. Do not touch any clay you see laying around.**

**BOOOOM**

"…I wander if Tobi's okay?"

**23. Sometimes retreat IS an option.**

Clutching her bloodied abdomen while fighting to stay standing upright, Sakura snarled at the sound nin standing smugly in front of her. Making to charge at him again, she was stopped short by arms wrapping around her middle and lifting her off the ground.

"Come on Pinky, we'll let Itachi handle this."

"But I can still-"

"I wasn't asking." Kisame said firmly, carrying her from the clearing.

**24. The Kyuubi vessel is to Op-ed.**

"You've repeatedly failed to capture him-" Pein started, looking at the two missing nin standing across from his desk.

"Hn"

**25. And doesn't know how to leave things well enough alone.**

"- and now he's trying to get our medic back. This cannot be allowed to occur, so I suggest you not fail on your next attempt."

**26. Do not peek on Sakura while she's showering.**

"…Tobi, what are you doing?" Deidara asked, looking at his partner oddly as he peaked through the cracked bathroom door.

"Go away sempai, Tobi's busy."

**27. Disregard above note if you wear an orange mask: Orders from Madara.**

"Hey, isn't Sakura-chan in there!"

"Go AWAY Senpai!"

**28. No shark fin soup around Kisame.**

"I think I'm gonna be sick." He muttered, standing up and making his way from the kitchen hastily. With an exasperated sigh, the pinkette turned to the white haired immortal.

"That wasn't nice Hidan."

"Yeah, but it was funny!" he exclaimed between his bouts of laughter.

**29. Do not touch anyone else's belongings.**

"**Pinky**,I wouldn't touch those if I were you, **they're poisonous**." The Bi-coloured man called as she lent down to get a closer look at some of the strange plants.

"I've never seen anything like these before!"

"**Of course you haven't**, we grew these ourselves and they exist nowhere but in this garden."

The proud tinge in his voice brought a smile to her face.

At least now they had something to talk about.

**30. No writing on the walls.**

"Deidara," Konan called down the hall, watching as the blond violently strangled his partner. "Please refrain from killing your partner."

"THIS BASTARD KEEPS HITTING ON MY SAKURA-CHAN, YEAH!"

"SAKURA-CHAN ISN'T DEIDARA-SENPAI'S!"

With a shake of her head at their behaviour, Konan looked to the wall closest to the fighting pair.

_Sakura-chan,_

_Have my children._

_Love,_

_Tobi  
_

**31. Always lock your door: unless you want your things auctioned off.**

"…"

"It's okay Pinky, I'm sure Leader-sama will get you a new uniform!" Kisame announced while patting her shoulder lightly, his eyes going over the …room.

"…"

"And a new wardrobe."

"…"

"And weapons, you can't do missions without those and that's what he needs you for!"

"…"

"…you can share my bed if you want; I promise I'll keep my hands to myself."

"I'd rather just sleep on the floor." She mumbled, running a hand through her short pink hair while closing her eyes and trying to calm down.

"…he sold your carpet as well…"

"I'll kill that money hungry bastard!"

**32. We do NOT associate with Orochimaru.**

"-and your delightful new medic, what was her name?"

"Leave or I'll kill you." The indifferent Uchiha said, looking at his younger brother's mentor with distain clear in his eyes.

**33. Or Sound.**

"How about we-" Kabuto started, only to stop short and dodge the kunai that had been thrown towards his head.

**34. Do not attract unneeded attention.**

"Haruno-san, refrain from doing that again." Kakuzu requested as he gazed at the crowd forming around them, hands twitching towards his holster in anger.

"HE WAS FEELING ME UP!"

"Haruno-san…" he growled out, left eye twitching slightly in irritation.

"…He has a bounty on his head as well…"

Twitching and anger subsiding, he gazed at her seriously for a moment before gathering the offending male up and starting towards the nearest bounty station.

"Kakuzu-san…? "

"Hurry up; we suddenly have a few more stops to make before this mission is over."

**35. No Fangirling/Fanboying.**

"Cute~" Tobi mumbled while leaning closer to get a better look.

"They're…pink." Itachi added before going back to his task, refusing to look again.

"Are those teddy bears, yeah?" Deidara asked, discreetly reaching for a tissue as his face heated up.

"…" The Orange haired leader could only look at the offending objects with slightly widened eyes.

"Hey, what's goin-WHY THE HELL IS MY UNDERWEAR ON THE KITCHEN TABLE!?"

**36. Unless the object of your attention has pink hair.**

"Hey Pinky! Is that really your natural-?"

"I swear Kisame, if the next words out of your mouth are 'hair colour', I'll put you through the wall."

**37. And is a medic (Added: and is female).**

"Is this you? HA! You looked kinda cute for a flat chested-"

**BAM!**

"That's my younger _MALE_ cousin you pervert!"

And for once, Hidan was left speechless.

**38. Always keep the halls tidy.**

"…"

"Umm…I'll move them to the infirmary right away Leader-sama" The pinkette almost stuttered out, gazing at the unconscious men that had just been dropped at her feet.

"No, you're to only treat fellow members. Throw them out and be in my office as soon as possible."

"Yes leader-sama!"

"And Haruno-san? Please make sure to keep an eye out for stalkers, this is the fifth time this month someone's followed you back here."

"…This has happened before?" She questioned, only to be met with silence as he made his way down the hall.

**39. No infighting while on base.**

"I said no."

"But Konan- It's a great idea!"

"You're not allowed to have a battle royal for Sakura-san's heart. Have you even told her of this idea?"

**40. No entering the bathroom while someone else is showering.**

"AHHHHHH! CLOSE THE DOOR! CLOSE THE DOOR!" Sakura's voice shrieked as steam billowed out of the bathroom.

**41. Unless invited.**

"GET OUT FIRST YOU PERVERT!"

"But Sakura-chan~ Tobi wants to wash your back!"

"I SAID GET OUT!"

**42. No prank wars.**

"Well, **I thought it was funny**…"

"Zetsu…You put an arm under his pillow."

"…He put a portrait of you on the fridge…"

"I don't see how-"

**43. Unless they deserved it.**

"- **It was naked."**

"I'll kill that blond bastard!"

**44. No streaking (Even if drunk).**

"…"

"Was that…Kisame?"

"Hn"

"…Wow…"

**45. You can't kill Hidan (we've already tried).**

"YOU-**THWACK**-BASTARD-**THWACK**-I'll-_THWACK_-KILL YOU!-**THWACK**-"

"Should we tell her it won't work?"

"Not yet, I can get a fair price for this video later in Suna."

"…I really don't want to know…"

**46. If you're drunk and it seems like a good idea- don't do it.**

"No, hear me out-_HIC_-"

"Sakura-san, I think you should go lay down for a while…"

"Just listen!-_HIC_- all we need are three clones that look like Pein, Deidara's spare clay, -_HIC_- that leather leash I saw in Hidan's room and-"

**47. Always carry extra nail polish; you never know when it will come in handy.**

"MY EYES!" The sound nin screeched, clutching his face as the dark liquid dripped everywhere.

"I'LL DO A LOT WORSE WHEN I GET OUT OF THESE CHAKRA BINDS YOU SLIMY NO-GOOD _CREEP_!"

**48. We do not watch chick flicks.**

"Well I saw this new movie a few days ago and I was wondering…"

"Oh god, Is that Titanic, Yeah?"

**49. Unless asked by Haruno.**

"Will you please watch it with me? I don't do well watching sad movies on my own."

"…Fine, yeah."

**50. Junk mail is not tolerated.**

"Why the hell are there… '_Enlargement_' ad's on the doorstep?"

**51. **'**Icha Icha' is not to be read under any circumstances.**

"What the hell are you reading?" Sakura questioned, looking at the slight blush on their indifferent leaders face.

"…Don't you have a mission?"

**52. Unless it's 'Icha Icha: Pink'**

_And with a mighty heave of her blade, the pink haired goddess's tattered black and red cloak fell from her frame, her pleading jade eyes gazing adoringly at the orange haired man watching her from the shadows._

_She opened her mouth slightly and breathed his name in a hushed chant, begging him._

…_Pein-sama_

…Leader-sama

"**Leader-sama**! Are you okay, your nose is bleeding?!"

**53. No monopolizing Sakura-chan's time.**

"B-But Sakura-chan~ I want to spend time with you!" The orange mask wearing man whimpered out, clutching her arm to his chest while rubbing his masked cheek against her bare one.

"I can't Tobi, Leader-sama wants me on a mission with Hidan-baka and Kakuzu later today, and before that I have to check Deidara's arms and Itachi's eyes. I really am sorry…"

"Tobi will speak with Leader-sama right away! Tobi and Sakura-chan have things to do over the next few days!"

"…What kind of things…?"

"Well~ it involves us, Tobi's bedroom, lots of noise, every available surface-"

**BOOM!**

"TOBI YOU LITTLE PERVERT!"

* * *

**Done and done! I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! OOC'ness and crack aside, I love it XD I had so much fun with this, I just couldn't help myself! Quick update about Paradise: I don't know when the next update will be out, I'm flooded with things that I want to happen and get over with, but I just. Cant. Word. It. Right! ARRRGGG!**

**You should know the drill by now, but just for those who don't- please leave a review, I would really appreciate it~ no flames or just telling me everything you thing is wrong with this fic.**

**Sakura-Hime-Sama**


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